remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You took a bar mat shot.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
