Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
