I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
