The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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