I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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