He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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