I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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