I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
