she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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