No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
