i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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