So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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