i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.