I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.