You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
