I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
that is very illegal...i love you.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
