My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
