I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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