2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
