i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
