I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
