You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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