if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
