Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Randomize
