Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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