I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
