the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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