Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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