highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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