Your face is a jimmy john
I faked an abortion last night.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
