There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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