ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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