I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
