Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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