Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
