At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
