What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
