I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
