YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
