Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
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Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
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To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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