My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
