Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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