I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I am mentally ready for anal.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
