i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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