Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
