it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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