I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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