Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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