i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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