I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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