Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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