I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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