a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
