Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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