Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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