Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
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I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
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just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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