Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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