I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
