We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
