what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
